Post by rachael5922 on Feb 10, 2010 4:39:46 GMT 5.5
This is a letter I wrote trying to figure out my self and what i need to do to change my different attitudes i guess i am going threw or w/e so i write letters, i usually no i NEVER share them but someone else read it in the real world so now i will just share here.
It has been my entire life taht I was removed and replaced from a child to an adult.
There is no point to battle a losing fight when my psychological state is affected.
So deeply have I looked into men to find the same broken pieces and defeat.
How do I fight to save myself and someone else when they do not want to save themselves? I lose myself in a internal war I will never have the strength to win.
I fell asleep at 5:40 am and woke up at 7:07 am. I wrote my boss a thank you letter for the time I had at my work. I felt privileged for the time I had as I was under alot of emotional distress and they kept me on for as long as they could.
I dream t of Thomas. He was crying. I felt bad wakin gup for a dream like that. When I think of him my stomach gets cold and I want to run out of work and go home, sit in a closet and try to calm down.
I have to remind myself that I trulhy went as far as I could with him and I would prefer to be alone then in fear that he will continue to disregard my feelings. I am so fragile like with a flower my heart goes into bloom. I am fragrant and a rose in the sunshine. As if walking threw a garden and someone spots me, their eyes filled with a vision of life and vibrant, a sent of attraction that floats threw a light breeze. An observer draws close to me, taking note of the delicate velvet layers that unfold from the center.
When Thomas comes into my garden I feel my blooming exhibit of emotion wither and shrink to avoid his anger, frustration and other unpleasant emotions. The day of sunshine and slight breeze turns into a damp dark overcast day with no point. At the entrance I feel my flowers shrink away, there have been times I felt him grasp the roses and pull them from their secure homes in the ground destroying my paradise to fill his greedy angry heart with the satisfaction that he can harm other worlds just as his was destroyed.
I tried many times to replant and replenish paradise but it is full of toxic emotions that he needs to set free not spew all over the world.
His garden is full of weeds and dead vegetation from previous love casualties. His own ideal of his true love was removed from a serious of mistakes. The broken wheel of time only turns half way as he has not had the ability to change his landscape.
I can remember walking and laughing with him, his mind became a circus and he was such a clown. It was truly a highlight at times to feel him happy. He was so shy when I met him, he refused to be on video camera, afraid to move around in public situations and at times uncertain of his footing beneath him. He truly needs a champion to raise him again. I believe there is hope. But I am a teacher of constant hope and the fight for life when I am strong. I stand behind the idea people deserve chances when their intentnkios hold no malice. I feel at this time Thomas is not ready to let go of many crutches and the way he treats people and himself proves to me he has much internal mending and I am not equipt at all to handle this.
I have my own dreams and desires I deserve to be fulfilled and to try to continue such a broken relationship will only cripple me further.
If I had a safe zone where I could go and feel appreciated and wanted, a refreshment for my emptied glass, I could see myself being able to carry on. I watched from a distance Thomass' dad's life. I felt extreme amount of pity but I understood his fight continues through his appreciation at work. That even in our failures there is personal gain in the knowledge of the strength of ourselves and understand their is compassion yet in our hearts.
I feel safer today. I understand that I now own my garden. That I will again heal my heart and put my life back on the right track
It has been my entire life taht I was removed and replaced from a child to an adult.
There is no point to battle a losing fight when my psychological state is affected.
So deeply have I looked into men to find the same broken pieces and defeat.
How do I fight to save myself and someone else when they do not want to save themselves? I lose myself in a internal war I will never have the strength to win.
I fell asleep at 5:40 am and woke up at 7:07 am. I wrote my boss a thank you letter for the time I had at my work. I felt privileged for the time I had as I was under alot of emotional distress and they kept me on for as long as they could.
I dream t of Thomas. He was crying. I felt bad wakin gup for a dream like that. When I think of him my stomach gets cold and I want to run out of work and go home, sit in a closet and try to calm down.
I have to remind myself that I trulhy went as far as I could with him and I would prefer to be alone then in fear that he will continue to disregard my feelings. I am so fragile like with a flower my heart goes into bloom. I am fragrant and a rose in the sunshine. As if walking threw a garden and someone spots me, their eyes filled with a vision of life and vibrant, a sent of attraction that floats threw a light breeze. An observer draws close to me, taking note of the delicate velvet layers that unfold from the center.
When Thomas comes into my garden I feel my blooming exhibit of emotion wither and shrink to avoid his anger, frustration and other unpleasant emotions. The day of sunshine and slight breeze turns into a damp dark overcast day with no point. At the entrance I feel my flowers shrink away, there have been times I felt him grasp the roses and pull them from their secure homes in the ground destroying my paradise to fill his greedy angry heart with the satisfaction that he can harm other worlds just as his was destroyed.
I tried many times to replant and replenish paradise but it is full of toxic emotions that he needs to set free not spew all over the world.
His garden is full of weeds and dead vegetation from previous love casualties. His own ideal of his true love was removed from a serious of mistakes. The broken wheel of time only turns half way as he has not had the ability to change his landscape.
I can remember walking and laughing with him, his mind became a circus and he was such a clown. It was truly a highlight at times to feel him happy. He was so shy when I met him, he refused to be on video camera, afraid to move around in public situations and at times uncertain of his footing beneath him. He truly needs a champion to raise him again. I believe there is hope. But I am a teacher of constant hope and the fight for life when I am strong. I stand behind the idea people deserve chances when their intentnkios hold no malice. I feel at this time Thomas is not ready to let go of many crutches and the way he treats people and himself proves to me he has much internal mending and I am not equipt at all to handle this.
I have my own dreams and desires I deserve to be fulfilled and to try to continue such a broken relationship will only cripple me further.
If I had a safe zone where I could go and feel appreciated and wanted, a refreshment for my emptied glass, I could see myself being able to carry on. I watched from a distance Thomass' dad's life. I felt extreme amount of pity but I understood his fight continues through his appreciation at work. That even in our failures there is personal gain in the knowledge of the strength of ourselves and understand their is compassion yet in our hearts.
I feel safer today. I understand that I now own my garden. That I will again heal my heart and put my life back on the right track
